


A Sense of Guilt

by SheWhoWalksUnseen



Series: One Man's Trash is Another's Treasure [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Almost everyone in the Resistance learns sign language, BB-8 is suspicious, Because they have to communicate with Poe, I headcanon that Rey also knows some sign language yes, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Sign Language, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, deaf!mute!Poe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:01:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5641822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SheWhoWalksUnseen/pseuds/SheWhoWalksUnseen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe doesn't want to think about it. It's best if he doesn't, or else he might crash and burn inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Sense of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided to make this a one-shot series, in case you couldn't tell. I'm having too much fun with this au.
> 
> A couple of people have mentioned Poe's communication skills while in his X-Wing to me, and while it is open to anyone's interpretation (as I don't think there is a set form of communicating in this au, since there are lots of great ideas on how it could be done - this is a sci-fi genre after all) I personally headcanon that Poe's communicators with the others are a visual monitor that displays what the pilots are saying and he uses a "microphone" that picks up what he mouthes back. BB-8 also assists by translating over the monitor during battles or whenever Poe is unable to look at the monitor.
> 
> ALSO if you are more skilled with sign language than I am, please feel free to correct me. I would rather know I am doing something incorrectly than for no one to correct my mistakes.

  _He felt like he wasn't sucking in enough air. How had he forgotten how to breathe?_

_He was wandering the desert wasteland of Jakku again, calling out someone's name. There was a faint pressure behind his skull, throbbing and horribly familiar, and he moved faster. He had to find him. He couldn't get caught, not again._

_Sweat poured down his face. His chest was heaving as he tried to inhale correctly. It felt as if sand were flooding his lungs._

_The winds were picking up, blowing the sand into his eyes. He shut them hurriedly, holding out a hand as he stumbled through the dunes. The headache was growing worse by the minute. A dark voice resounded around him yet he didn’t dare open his eyes._

_Where was he going? Why was he out in the middle of a sandstorm?_

_He was suffocating, his head violently throbbing as he fell to his knees in pain. Laughter echoed, cold and harsh. Emotionless. He faintly noted that it wasn't his own._

_The heat bore down on him, quickly turning his lungs into a furnace. He gripped at his dark hair, struggling for breath._

_What was he doing?_

_He had to find him._

_He had to find…_

_FINN!_

 Poe Dameron jolted awake with the name on his lips, his vision hazy as he tried to make out what was going on. The lights above were bright and sunlight was streaming in from a window nearby. He struggled to sit up but hands pushed him back down. He followed the hands upward as his eyesight refocused and realized it was one of the medics who was trying to calm him down.

 He was in the Resistance base medical bay. His body relaxed as he took this in, leaning back against the pillow much to the medic’s relief.

 He wasn’t on Jakku. There was no sandstorm. There was no one probing his head, shifting through his memories.

 A hand touched his left arm and his head snapped in that direction. General Organa wore a relieved expression as Poe relaxed further. He trusted the General with his life. He couldn’t quite recall how he had gotten back to the base after the crash on Jakku, but he assumed she must have had something to do with it.

 _Poe_ , she signed to him, the briefest hint of a smile flickering on her lips. _How are you feeling?_

  _Pretty good_ , he signed back teasingly, a smirk appearing as he did so. _Just some bumps and bruises. Nothing new._

 The General’s eyes trailed over the obvious cuts and bruises adorning what wasn’t covered in a medical gown. She raised an eyebrow. _You mentioned that you were captured by the First Order when you contacted us._

 When had he…? Oh, right. He had obtained a ship and contacted the base on D’Qar. He remembered Snap leading him to a seat on the transporter when he blacked out from exhaustion.

 Poe didn’t want to talk about the First Order. He knew that the General would want to know all about how he had escaped, where the map was, what exactly had gone down on Jakku – but he wasn’t eager to revisit those memories. His dream came back to mind and he grimaced.

  _Yes, I was. I escaped with help. The map is with BB-8 but I had them run off before I was captured, so they are still somewhere on Jakku._

 General Organa nodded, drawing into herself to think over the situation. _If they are still on the planet we can find them. I’m sure BB-8 is safe since the First Order hasn’t shown any signs of gaining the map._

 Poe nodded back, watching the medic leave the room. He wanted to ask when he would be able to get back out into the sky again, when he could go look for BB-8. The panic hadn’t left him despite her words of reassurance.  He needed to know for certain where the droid was. He already missed the familiar vibrations from the droid when he would place his hand on their head. The thought of Kylo Ren getting his hands on the little BB unit… Poe swallowed hard.

 He wasn’t going to be able to forget the feeling of utter helplessness from that cell, the pressure threatening to implode his skull as his thoughts were shoved around his mind like ragdolls, used against him.

  _You said you had help escaping_ , the General signed to him, regaining his attention. _Was it someone from the Resistance?_

 He shook his head. Poe’s heart clenched in his chest. _No. A Stormtrooper who wanted to get away from the First Order. We hijacked a TIE Fighter but it crashed on Jakku._

 General Organa seemed to understand why he was more subdued now and he didn’t meet her eyes. He watched her hands move after a moment of thought.

  _A Stormtrooper? I’ve never known a Stormtrooper to go against the First Order – or even the Empire – like that._

  _Well, this guy did._ Fleeting flashes of a broad smile on dark skin ran through his head. Poe remembered seeing Finn eject himself from the TIE Fighter as he fumbled to make a smoother landing with the ship. He remembered stumbling from the wreckage and collapsing from exhaustion.

 He remembered looking desperately for Finn when he awoke, calling out his name until his throat was hoarse. He remembered wishing and hoping that there was some way the other was alive and safe as guilt filled him.

 Thankfully the General didn’t press the subject; she laid a hand on his own and he met her eyes. He always felt as if he could see a kaleidoscope of emotions every time she stared at him. Sometimes it was difficult to understand what she was trying to convey or what she was feeling. Now though, all he saw was a simple message in her gaze: _I’m sorry_.

 Poe wished he could ignore the darker voice in his head hissing that if anyone should be apologizing, it should be him. He had jeopardized possibly the most important mission of his life – because yes, finding Luke Skywalker was one of the Resistance’s top priorities right now and he _knew_ how important the man was to the General – and now instead of delivering the map to the Last Jedi, the Resistance had found a bruised and empty-handed pilot. He knew the General wouldn’t allow him to get a word out if he tried to apologize, wouldn’t let him think any of this if he tried to voice it aloud. She hadn’t gotten him to join the Resistance to listen to apologies, after all.

 That didn’t mean the ache in his chest went away.

* * *

 He made it out of the medical bay when the medic returned and cleared him to go, warning him to rest for a bit despite the fact that his injuries weren’t too severe. He immediately ran into the General again who had been on her way to ask him to fly out with the squadron (the moment she mentioned that they had found BB-8 on Takodana his heart leapt and a smile spread over his face). She asked him if he would be alright to fly and he gave her a knowing look. The corners of the woman’s mouth twitched upward within moments.

 Poe didn’t waste any time getting to his ship, the rush of being able to fly again greeting him once he was airborne. The cockpit seemed emptier without BB-8 translating from behind but the thought of reuniting with the droid was encouraging.

 It was as they were partway through their jump into hyperspace when the alarms went off.

 Poe didn't notice them at first, probably wouldn't have to be honest, but then the rapid-fire translations in the visual told him the others in his squadron were experiencing them. Before he could respond there was a wave of pure red that overtook his vision and he fought to control the X-Wing as it spun off-course with various others. It reminded him of a fierce earthquake, shaking a whole planet - or, in this case, space - with its wrath. His limbs rattled and for a moment he was worried he would lose his grip on the wheel. He wanted to shut his eyes so as not to panic (it was bad enough to not hear his other pilots calling out through the comm but he didn't want to be blind temporarily as well) but he gritted his teeth together roughly and held out against the blast until the strong vibrations subsided. The visual monitor's screen glitched as Poe blinked to try and get rid of the spots in his vision. He fiddled with the knob beside the visual, grimacing as he waited for the signal to return. 

 Snap came through first, reassuring him that everyone was alright, though a bit shaken. Poe nodded and mouthed back using the microphone, _Any idea what could have caused that blast?_

 There was a brief moment of nothing before Snap replied. _No. Looks like it wiped out something huge in the Hosnian System though, Poe._

 He swore internally. He shut his eyes, struggling to ignore the cold and uneasy sensation writhing in his gut. He had a bad feeling about what that meant, what it meant for all of them, and he didn't want to voice it. Poe guessed that Snap and Jessika and the others knew deep down too.

 Still, it wasn't their mission.

 He'd known comrades, leaders, friends in that system. Hell, he had worked there before joining the Resistance.

 There was nothing they could have done. If a blast of that magnitude had wiped everything out, it would have destroyed them too.

 It didn't stop him from clenching his jaw as he told the others to head back into hyperspace on his count. It didn't stop the way his knuckles turned white as he gripped the wheel.

 As they headed back out into hyperspace Poe hoped silently that their lives had not ended in great pain.

* * *

  It was with familiarity that he eased back into piloting when they arrived, taking out the Stormtroopers and TIE Fighters swiftly with the others. He couldn’t resist doing a couple of sharper turns than normal just to prove to himself that nothing had changed. He imagined Snap was rolling his eyes from his own cockpit at his enthusiasm but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

 (And if he caught a glimpse of a hooded figure in black at one point, he quickly looked away and focused on breathing in and not on the haunting pressure in his skull. Poe was grateful for a single moment that his droid wasn’t there to question why his hands trembled.)

 The First Order retreated after minutes of fighting and Poe couldn’t help but think that it was too easy. Usually they put up more of a fight, but perhaps they had felt cornered. After all they didn’t seem to have any reinforcements with them.

 He leaned his head back in the cockpit of his ship after landing back at the base, shutting his eyes as he allowed a smile to grace his features. It had felt almost normal to be back in his X-Wing, manning the controls. He wondered idly if the sounds of people rushing about outside were muted through the glass of the cockpit. To some it might feel claustrophobic but to the man it was like a second home. No doubt that if he stayed in here someone would notice and ask him if he was alright though.

 The pilot snorted to himself. He was sure that if he told them he was admiring his ship or something, they would believe him.

 Sometimes Poe needed a breather and he would sneak to his X-Wing, sitting still and relaxing in the cockpit. He had done this too when he had been with the Republic but in the D'Qar base it felt more open to sneak off like that. Once, the General had caught him in there, half-asleep in the morning. He would always remember the eye roll she had sent his way, a smile playing on her lips as she headed off to a meeting.

 This wasn't much different. He just wanted a moment of peace before being thrust back into the midst of trying to figure out the whole situation with the map and BB-8.

 Poe waited a few more breaths before getting out, climbing down and handing his helmet to one of the mechanics. He was about to ask if the General had indeed found BB-8 (he hadn’t seen the droid during the battle, though it had been a little hard to concentrate on his missing buddy when he was firing at TIE Fighters) when something hard knocked against his leg in a familiar affectionate manner. He whipped around with a broad smile and knelt by the orange-and-white droid, rubbing his palm over the smooth surface of BB-8’s head.

  _Hey, buddy!_ he signed. _Boy, am I glad to see you. Are you alright?_

 BB-8 vibrated eagerly under his hand and spoke quickly, leaving Poe to translate the long set of vibrations. He started to chuckle as BB-8 berated him for “dying” like that and rambled on about how they had been on the Millennium Falcon and met two people who had helped him get off of Jakku to Takodana with Han Solo and Chewbacca. BB-8 called them _Rey_ and _Finn –_

 Something lodged itself in Poe’s throat and his smile vanished. Hope flared in his chest and he glanced to the side to see a sight he had not thought would ever grace his presence again. BB-8 abruptly cut themselves off as the droid noticed Poe standing up and staring back at Finn.

 It was as if someone had thrown ice water at him for a moment, his limbs all frozen in place. His heart pounded in his chest as he turned more in the direction of Finn who was only about forty feet away. A smile started to grow on his face as the hope was rekindled, bursting into flames aglow inside his chest.

 Was he dreaming again? Poe wanted to pinch himself to see if that was indeed the case, but as the man rushed towards him he suddenly found he didn’t care.

_It has to be real, please be real, please don't let me wake and find this is all a dream._

 He met Finn halfway, pulling him into an embrace as the other mouthed his name seconds before. The other was warm and broad and _he was alive, he was alright_. Poe couldn't seem to stop smiling. He pulled back and rested a hand on Finn's shoulder, not wanting to let go suddenly.

 Those dark eyes looked back at him with happiness and relief shining in their depths. How had he not noticed how Finn's eyes drew you in like twin whirlpools?

 Shaking away that strange thought, he mouthed to Finn, _You okay, buddy?_

 A brief look of mild surprise flashed through those eyes before Finn shook himself and gestured toward Poe. _Me? I thought you were dead! Back on Jakku... How did you survive?_

  _I woke up after being thrown from the crash,_ Poe explained sheepishly. _It was mainly luck that I found someone willing to send out a message to the base telling them to pick me up. You completed my mission, man._

 Finn shook his head as if to dissuade him from those thoughts, but a small smile was spreading across his face. Poe's own gut lurched in a vaguely pleasant manner that he couldn't quite understand at the sight. His eyes drifted downward and it was his turn to be surprised.

  _That's my jacket._

 He didn't realize he had mouthed it to himself until he noticed the ex-Stormtrooper was struggling to remove it. He quickly pulled it back onto Finn's shoulders, noting how the other's hands stilled at his actions. The pilot smiled at Finn as he met his gaze again. _Keep it. It suits you._ Poe hesitated, biting his lip to hold back a smile at how natural the jacket looked on the other. Sure, he had had that old thing for a while now but...on Finn it seemed to be at home. _You're a good man, Finn._

 It felt surreal. He had not wanted to hold out hope for the impossible because there was no way that it could be possible - besides there were other more significant things to stress over like that map - but standing here with the man who had rescued him, whom he had been so worried about, he couldn't help but feel hope racing through his veins.

 Finn laid a hand on Poe's shoulder, a serious expression taking hold as the moment passed. _Poe,_ he mouthed, _I need your help._

 The pilot nodded and was about to ask what it was he needed ( _anything, I'll do anything for you if you need me to, buddy_ ) but then he jolted as a familiar droid bumped into his right leg, head tilting up at him. Poe placed a hand on BB-8's head and his brow furrowed as he deciphered the meaning behind their vibrations. _Friend-Poe, report to the General about mission. Mission is completed with the map._

 Right. Poe signed back, _Yes, I'll head right over to her. I just need to see what Finn needs first._

 BB-8's head swiveled to look up at Finn before turning back to Poe. If they were human, he would imagine that there would be confusion reflecting in their monocular lens.

_Friend-Finn who said Friend-Poe was dead and took Friend-Poe's jacket?_

 The words were unexpected and he fought to keep himself from laughing. _Yes. But I am not dead and he's keeping my jacket._

  _Friend-Finn wanted to learn Friend-Poe's language,_ BB-8 pressed. _Friend-Rey tried to teach some of it._

 Language? Poe frowned now, confused, and glanced at Finn who was watching the two of them with curiosity. What was that supposed to mean? It wasn't as if he _knew_ many languages. He didn't speak anything other than -

 Oh.

  _Oh._

 A sudden rush of warmth crept up on his heart. Had Finn been trying to learn signs in hopes of communicating easier? A smile tugged on his lips and he chuckled silently. He made a mental note to teach the man more when there was more time.

  _Are you okay?_ Finn asked, causing him to realize that he had been staring funnily at the other.

 Poe stood with a nod, signing to BB-8 that he would continue their conversation later. _Yeah. Sorry, BB-8 was getting excited. They were reminding me to meet with the General in a bit. But back to your problem! What do you need, buddy?_

* * *

 He understood the pain of losing a friend, so he was more than willing to bring Finn's case to General Organa. He didn't miss the knowing look in her eyes when he introduced the other, the gleam that told him she knew without an explanation why. Thankfully she didn't bring up their conversation in the medical bay and said she would do whatever she could to help bring back Finn's friend ( _Rey,_ he recalled her name was. He wondered faintly how they had met before pushing the thought aside). Of course the current mission was more important so Poe retrieved the map from BB-8 so she could look it over.

 And then the news of the Starkiller being charged up for another massive blast reached them and Poe's heart clenched at the thought of losing the good men and women on D'Qar to the First Order's cruelty.

 It wasn't difficult to recall earlier, with the wave of scarlet flooding his vision and the unease as the X-Wings spun out of control. It would be infinitely worse if they didn't stop this next blast from coming.

 Poe caught up to Finn before he took off. He spotted the man heading towards the Millennium Falcon as he loaded BB-8 back into their rightful place in his X-Wing and clapped a hand on his shoulder as he passed. Finn glanced back and Poe gave him a reassuring smile, hoping it conveyed all the courage the other might need.

 Finn nodded and paused as if mulling over a thought. His brow furrowed with resolve as he lifted one of his hands and moved it awkwardly to his chin before tapping it again with his middle finger and forming a sort of O with his thumb and middle digit.

 It took him a couple of seconds to realize what the other was trying to say and he smiled warmly at the other before signing the same phrase back.

  _Good luck._


End file.
